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Well it's been about a year since I've posted anything. Trust me a lot has changed within the last year. I finally came to realize that certain people are perfectly content in staying exactly where they are in life and never progress to better themselves or further their aptitudes in life. These people are those who have never benefitted me beyond patting me on the head saying good little monkey, keep up the good work.
I've always been the type to accept people for their face value and love them for what they present or represent. Unfortunately I've come to realize these people were hefty portions of my own downfall. 

Since I've met people like Maven, Mistress Jade, Princess Leia, her hubby David, and last but never least a girl who has changed my life forever, Nicole, I haven't looked back. These are the types of people who need to be praised for just being who they are.

Maven.. our leader, his dedication to his friends and foremost his family is amazing yet his methods conflict with mine with kids. Either way, since he wandered into the store one day with a dude no one really speaks well of so I won't say anything about him, we hit it off. Since then he's become one of my staples in the fabric of my life.

Mistress Jade and her amazing beauty is as dedicated to her family (being Maven and maven JR.) as a lion to her pride. Yet she has an incredible sweet side where if your on it, she will share her world with you. She knows that she can trust me with anything. One day you two will have one that shares your bloods. And I'll end up babysitting as usual... I love these two for making me stronger than I have ever been in life. I'm proud to call them my family.

Now Leia and David I've met once but the positivity they radiate just pulls you in. They are a trip to hang out with and party with at My Cult/RMS Graphix parties. I look forward to jamming with David and introducing Nicole to them. These are the types of people who smash the labels and self righteous bullshitters who judge people by appearances only.

Nicole... Came into the shop one random day with her dad. They brought a Dell in for us to look at and fix. (I hate dell) After working on it for a day or two, we fixed the issues and they left happy. About a week later Nicole came back to the store with the damn dell and her exact words were " Fix my damn dell ". and then threw it at me.

From that first day, I knew there was something special about her that would change everything.

I left Lindsey last august and I haven't looked back. I hope for the best in her life and she's able to overcome her hurdles in life.

Nicole is a highly motivated young woman. She is known as the Tops Girl (look up TOPS foundation shortly after Katrina)

She knows how much she has affected me in my decision making and livelyhood. I love her more than normal people should love someone. I feel when she sneezes in her room when I'm at home. I feel her thoughts and when she says she loves me in her mind.

ok sorry.. ya'll get the point :P

Anyway.. I want mycult members to know that I've started a foundation called Louisiana Advocates for Education Reform AKA Project Think Tank.

www.projectthinktank.org

There's more information on the site. I am working extrememly hard to get this off the ground and financed both through donations and sponsorships.

Any questions, suggestions, directives please email me at cruschad@gmail.com or msg me on AIM at FallenOmnicron

thanks for reading my babbling

G'night

First off, for all of the effort we have put forth to make things happen for this city and it's patrons who are members of My Cult, thanks for NOTHING.
Maven - The Leader - put his heart and soul into the party we had friday. We all (Maven, Jade, Me) put everything we could possibly put forth towards this thing and once again, all of you never showed. This just shows how piss poor of fans and loyalists you all really are. I personally was the one who took the picture of Mistress Jade and Maven that you see to your right. I personally was there to advise Maven on what to do about the FLOP we experienced Friday night. Even our main headline didn't show up because of the lack of money and heads there.
Secondly, Maven has decided not to do anymore parties due to the lack of patronage we experienced Friday night. And yet, it was all dedicated to you - the mycult members. I for one was very excited to see DJ Swamp play for the first time. The rest of the DJ's played their hearts out until we got shut down.
Thirdly, for everyone who supports mycult and it's people, get off your asses and help out around here to show you actually give a flying fuck about this place.
I'm done venting now.
*drinks the funny coolaid and goes to sleep*

As I wrote before about John dying, the doctors want to say that he died of Sleep Apnea or however you spell it. He went to sleep shortly after eating lunch on the 5th anniversary cruise he, his entire family and his wife were on. He woke up long enough to tell his wife he truly did love her and that she looked beautiful. She then laid down with him until around 1 or 2 am when she found him not breathing. She called the EMS and his dad after she failed to revive him. The EMS then used paddles to restart his heart but by then he was dead.
John, even though he is physically gone, he is leaving behind a legacy of intelligence and logic that could never be copied or emulated. It was just strange how he was able to fix things that perplexed both Carlton and I. His ability will remain unmatched.
The hardest thing about it is not to think of the negative shit. Everyone who knew him knew him as a mentor, a brother, father figure, or a smelly fat guy who picked his scabs too much. If he were still here today, I'd trade this feeling for those scabs and the occasional nauseating downwind burst just to have him still here, in the shop.
He would buy gadgets to compete with me over who can come up with the coolest ideas when it came to using computers in new, interesting and useful ways.
He got one gadget that allowed him to have this box thing hooked up to his router, then to his cable in signal which then allowed him to transmit his cable tv to his computer here so we could watch the saints games and anything else important happening during the week.
Before he left for the cruise, he bought an adaptec Game Bridge. This thing... was cool. He left it here along with his xbox. Before he left, I was testing the little gadget out. We were both cracking up laughing because we were trying to play a stupid game called MoJo!. But it was simply the fact that we were happy we were using something that was so simple yet so effective.
He wanted me to get his Xbox modded for him. He couldn't find what he was looking for online so he left it at the shop for me to bring to a friend of mine's house. When I found out monday that he had passed away, I stayed at that friend's house until nearly 2 am, waiting for him to finish soft modding John's xbox. It now sits in my room as a reminder of John's passion and love.
At the funeral I saw people I haven't seen in years. People from Computer Discounters which was truly my mall. Instead of being a mall rat, I was a Computer Discounters Rat. I would spend hours there just hanging out, talking about new technologies, testing new ones out, drooling over the latest shit to come out of silicon's valley .
Yeah I'm a nerd. Bite me.
Anyway. That's about all I have to say for now.
later.

Sunday night, monday morning my good friend, John Gemar III, aka Droglar, went on a cruise with his wife last saturday. He was fine until sunday afternoon when he said he wasn't feeling good. His wife later went to sleep only to be woken up when she couldn't hear him breathing. The EMS tried to jumpstart his heart. The reason for his death is still unknown until they have an autopsy done.
I will keep everyone up to date on what's going on as soon as I know more.
Let's say I'm sick and fucking tired of burying my mentors and brothers.
Let's leave it at that.

Ok.. Saturday was the biggest turn out we've had at a MYCULT Event ever since I have personally been going to them. The funny thing is that the WII ended up bring in more curious types than anything else.
We ran into Morph there who wanted to go one on one on the strings and glows but he was quickly shut down and made THELeader's bitch as usual. Over all we had a steady influx of people.
The DJ's were incredible, Information Society blew the house away until some people had to be labeled as obsessive and had to be escorted away... twice..
People need to get there next time! Represent our site. Especially those who are local! Hell.. I dealt with my own wardens and parolie type family members to get out there.
GET THERE NEXT TIME!
Later
Chad

Ok, quick rant. First thing's first. I am not a racist. In all reality, I believe that the right for every human to live a better life is a free for all. If you don't lift yourself out of your social degredation and continue to hold this grudge against a society which embraces progress and self preservation, you won't gain much. You will be part of the same statistic which everyone involved in it has to find someone and something to blame.
If you live your life using and abusing a system while bitching that you are "oppressed" or "racially degressive", you should not be allowed the civil freedoms which are bestowed upon you.
Blaming people for your own mistakes, laziness, and arrogance is a simple game which has been used by all races, creeds, in all times and places. Trust me, I've used it. I've been there, done that, so telling me I don't know what it's like is like circle jerking with horses and paying Chris Pontius to drink it... again.. spew.
Granted those who are able to fall out of bed one day and hit a growth spurt which allows them the height - not the skill - yet - to be the next Kobe complete with a white wife, and a Victorian in the hamptons, may just live it up, but you don't hear them bitching. They have made it to the status of where they do not have to live in the same self degrading lifestyles which are presented to the millions of degenerates which worship them and make sure they watch them on MTV Cribs.
For people to complain that white people hold them back are ludicrous, anyone who blames others for their own misfortunes and innabilities to progress beyond the lives they have given themselves are degenerate to progress.
If South Louisiana is EVER to get over Katrina, we need to see to it that the same insane and unfair liberties are NOT returned to those who sit on their asses manipulating the system.
A small percentage of these people are geniune. Truly unable to progress beyond the lifestyles of complaining about fictuous withholdings and constant profiling based off of race, you need to look at yourselves in the mirror and learn who you are and where you fit in.
Look at yourself and SCRUTINIZE every plausible route you have in front of you. It doesn't matter if your young, old, or just getting out, you have every path in front of you.
Find your greatest weaknesses, conquer them.
Find your greatest abilities, utilize them.
Find your greatest strengths, and abuse them. Then will we over come what the south conciders "racism". Then we will see a truly equal playing field for everyone in South Louisiana.
Till later...
Chad.
Feel free to spread this blog everywhere. We need to spread truth that it's no longer racism to those who believe in Social Self Preservation.

My blogs usually go everywhere... all different directions. I've been trying to have more of a focus on what the topic that's burning me up inside is.
So much has happened in the past 10 years that I can't truly say I regret much of it. My true regrets in this life has been the love I wasted on girls who wanted me to be someone else. It was always something about me that they wanted to change. My hair, my overall look on life, my temper, my emotional status... always something.
Never who I was or am. I've lived the same lie day to day because no one ever understands me for who I am. But when glimpses of who I am come through, it gets miscontrued for me being an asshole or much worse.
See my train of thought just went the other way after I finished that last sentence. I started to think of how my ex's have behaved. How they've demonized me in the eyes of both their families and our mutual friends.

I will explain. Casey J. My first true girlfriend. Lived in New Orleans East most of her life. We hung out at Fazzio's Lanes on Bullard ave every tuesday where we would play immature games based on sex. I even got asked when we were sitting in front of the bowling alley by one of the little black boys if I were "knocking them boots". Of course at that time I was entirely too naive to know what that meant. It wasn't until I was roughly 16 before anything happened. Of course she wasn't my first. But she was my first experiance of a pre lesbianistic girl. She was cheating on me with my cousin Ricky the entire 2 years we were together.
My mistake with her was believing she was faithful. First official girlfriend, first time getting cheated on. Yippy. She wanted me to be depressed so we could be depressed together. She was and still is strange.
During that time when we were apart, I was making friends with a few girls here and there. Dated a couple which led nowhere.
One girl in particular wanted to marry me after hanging out at the mall for 4 hours. Britney G. She was crazy but fun. Again, I was 15 so naive about a lot of things and not yet seasoned. She disappeared about 5 days after I saw her at the mall. Never heard from her again.
Then there was my first virgin girl. I'm now 16. She was about a year older than I was. I had met her through a girl named Rachel S. We psuedo dated for a month or so then lost contact with her only to revive our relationship after 5 months of not talking to her. Which led to riding my bike from the house in Old Metairie to Clearview where she lived. That was an interesting day. Besides Lindsey, she was one of the very few girls who bitched about something about me. But she did say I needed to grow up... but what's the point of saying that when I was younger and she was coming to me for sex? HAH
Then there was Amber L. which I was with for maybe 3 months when I had my first car. She was strange... She had lesbian tendencies with some girl who I never met... but I smelled her after she would sleep with her. Then there was Mary. At first, she was ok. Her breathe stank every time we met, I was just turning 16 when I first met her. My brother was with a girl who was a crackhead. Mary was a chalmation who believed there was nothing wrong with Chalmette. Typical mentality. She had back problems, used that to her advantage and dropped out of school, refused to go to GED classes because of it, and didn't amount to Jack Shit in her life. I wasted 4 years of my life with her.
Keep in mind when I was finally driving, I didn't dedicate my time only to her. Trust me, the rest of the list is coming.
Towards the end of our relationship, she tried to pawn a kid off on me. I did the manly thing. I stayed by her side, stopped doing everything I was doing. Worked my ass off to keep her and that kid happy, bought her everything she ever needed, stood there crying in the delivery room as that incredible feeling comes over your body as "your child" is being born. Any hatred towards her asshole sister... gone.. I did everything I could to keep everyone there happy.
I can remember the day I caught her with her boy toy in Chalmette. How she said she cheated on me at that park in the grass with him. I can remember how I trusted a guy named Greg R. to keep her occupied and entertained while I worked my ass off before the kid situation started. I can also remember getting calls from my parents about him being at the house while she was there. - This is when I was 18 btw.
I had known of three times she cheated on me. And honestly once a cheater, always a cheater. So I dropped down to dating status. Still went out and had fun until we found out she was pregnant. I still have NO idea when she said this or told me... Didn't make any damn sense. Because when she said she got pregnant, we were together once in the month of April - May time frame which her boy was born. It didn't make sense.
After he was born, I felt nothing. I firmly believe that there is a psychic link between you and your children. You feel them when they are sleeping, dreaming, running, farting. I felt nothing.
My only mistake with Mary was the time wasted. During the time we were seperated, I was going about my normal routine of meeting new girls and enjoying my life. To my dismay, I ended up with felony carnal knowledge of a juvenile. Out of everyone who knows me VERY well, you know I had no idea, and you know that it's bullshit that her ex boyfriend, Jason didn't go down LONG before me.
Anyway, after this all went down, it's now something like 2001 and my life has now been reduced to thinking that this kid's mine, visitations by a hard ass probation officer, and a yearning to kill people who did this to me.
I fucked up by believing in people who said they were friends.
After this, I stopped calling Mary, stopped acknowledging her son as mine, dropped everything in my life which held me back with no intention of letting me go.
I got a DNA test sommons like a year and a half ago. Never heard anything about it since. Good Riddance if her and her sister ended up face down in Katrina's waters. Her son deserved a better life which I wanted to give him.
Now, onto the seriously mentally fucked ex's.
Through Amber, there was Elizabeth B. When I met her, she was shy, non concerned, innocent. Her smile was beautiful. She was one of those girls which ancient Romans would buy for a farm and 40 clicks of land. Top heavy, not fat in the stomach or face, but when you got to her hips.... damn. She was beautiful to me. Her family loved me, but I'm not sure if she did.
She moved in after maybe a week of us being together. Her step father was highly verbally abusive, and me being my typical I'm here for the rescue type got her a job, and led her on the corrected path away from the horrors of her step dad. Everything was fine until we got into one argument after 9-11. She convinced herself that my mom hated her. She also read everything I had ever written. About Nicole - a girl I think was in the hospital with me... I was on so many anti depressants and other shit that I'm not sure she even existed now...
She developed split personalities to accomidate the losses I had. She developed a bunch of personalities for some reason and put on the best damn "I'm a mental fuck up" you could ever witness. Had me going too.
She then moved in with Jason L., (the girl who gave me my 4 year old title aforementioned's ex bf), who is basically top of my shitlist and avoid list.
Soon after their uniting, I believed his lies. They fixed me a cup of tea because they knew I'm big on tea. It was poisoned with Angel Trumpets. I remember dreaming that I was crying because I thought I saw her fucking him. I woke up and saw she was in fact fucking him while I was insanely sick and seeing things.
Methotical shit.
She has since had Jason's kid. Moved out of his house, did pretty much the same thing to him as she did to me, now she's living in Florida. But the thing about it all is that she was sleeping with some black dude and had his kid too. Then Katrina hit and she was shit out of luck, stranded here. She then escaped to Florida where on 12-31-05, her newborn died.
See, the loss of innocence burns at me. That leaves a yearning to scream and cry for that baby. Whether or not if it were an oreo or mixed kid. It was a child. Even though she is dead in my eyes (Elizabeth B) I pitty her loss. But karma is a bitch which likes to be served COLD.
Then there was Jen. I met Jen through Sarah. At first, she was looking like the one... I felt the right things.. I first met her brother who turned out to be the shit. Chris is the best damn guy I met besides Jason Cloud.
When I couldn't understand WTF was up Jen's ass, I would go by Chris.
You see Jen was young when we got together. I was 21, she was 17. Her parents thank god liked me a lot. So Momma D and Dad, Thank you for giving me the time with Jen.
But, after Jen faking 2 miscarriages of two kids with me, I got sick and tired of the mindgames. Both times this happened was when we were watching something important at Ricky's house. She rolled around on their carpet screaming. On the way home she said she had a miscarriage. After the shit with Liz, Mary, and every other jackass girl I was with... I should have broken it off there, poured salt on the wounds and walked away. But.. I was a glutton for my own punishment.
Jen then convinced me that I was Bi Polar. I went to a shrink who tried to push the same judgement on me. Only Bi Polar people have almost no immediate memory retention because their minds are all over the place. I quoted word for word everything the shrink had said to me.
But love was clouded and diluted somehow... and I ended up on Serequel. An AntiPSYCHOTIC medicine. If I didnt sleep 12 hours, you better back the fuck off. I was violent.
So needless to say we broke off our engagement, and I went on my merry way.
Then on the one year anniversay of 9-11, I send an instant message which changed my life. At 2:45am, on 9-12-02, I sent a message to I think Sweethrt690... She's changed it since but you get the idea, asking "how and why she tears herself apart like that"... her profile was riddled with shit about how she hates her weight... how she's been hurt. Her first words to me on that night were "Whatever". And we've been together ever since.
The next day we met in the Slav - a - center parking lot in Chalmette because it was in the middle of Metairie and Slidell.
She was dressed in an ALL purple scrub uniform. She was going to work soon and took the time to leave early to meet me. I was wearing a pair of VERY baggy jeans and a black shirt.
Even though it wasn't my style to follow the girl back to her own domain, I followed her to her friend's work where began the Parading session. The yay or nay crap that you girls do when you meet someone new. Luckily I got a YAY from everyone except the faggot friend she had which used her all of the time which I saw to it that he left town.
Then came the day where I had to meet her parents. Her dad looked like the rugged, typical "I've done it all with my bare hands" type, her mom...
immediately got the nick name "the warden".
something about that constant smoking and plastered "I'm going to kill you if you say something I don't like" face erked my nerves...
Then I met Mack. The dumbest fucking dog I've ever met. Instead of being a good gaurd dog and staring me down in cause my hands go somewhere he don't like, I was sitting on a love seat, he walked up to me with one of his toys growling at me, (picture me shitting on myself) put his toy down, turned around, backed his ass up to me and sat in my lap.
It was a scene from Marmaduke. But what's better is after his front legs got tired of supporting him, he got INTO THE CHAIR WITH ME. He rolled up as if he was a lapdog and laid down on me while I was sitting there. WTF. What a great guard dog, he'll growl at you then sit on you!
From that day on it's been kinda strange with Lindsey's family. Her mom doesn't leave any hint of melting her soul.. She always comes across as if she's going to yell at you if you don't do her bidding. But hell, Lindsey's dad taught me how to fish, how to put up siding, clean their pool, start fires legally in Slidell, and a lot more I just can't remember right now.
See.. my point of writing all of this is to show that if I don't make sense, there's always some sort of experiance behind what I'm saying. If any of you read this, you will have a different perspective on me.
I plan on marrying Lindsey. For the most simplest of reasons: She stole my heart in Chalmette's Slav a center 4 years ago.
She's been the best pillar I've ever know. She's been there for me every time something happened. She's never questioned anything about me. She's everything to me. She is my "Mi Triana" - Soul mate.
All those who I hoped were - sorry. You were the weakest link. Goodbye.
Thanks for reading..
feel free to grab some complimentary mints on the way out.

This is something I wrote back in May - may 22, 06 back on Yahoo.

OK... been a while since I've gotten on here and blogged something..

might as well say what I did to my friends...

one thing that pisses me off royally is when someone is so damn two faced that they lie their way through life. I personally never believed or wanted to believe in what other people had felt about my ex. Come to find out they were right, but I used a simple mindgame to get the truth out. I had people who I knew - felt I could trust help me out, while others who were directly involved or indirectly involved were basically opening themselves up to get hurt by others who's only intention was to hurt people. The people involved were of course my ex gf Jen.

see.. usually I give people a chance to prove themselves. Whether or not they are guilty of something - more like whether or not I should forget what they've done or harp on it - depends on how deep the shit gets. In this case there was so much bullshit around that starting the war was needed. So I did.

The goals were simple: 1) make the mouse take the cheese - Jen 2) Make Chris admit the wrong he'd done to his future wife 3) seperate the group of people who were around me from the kids who enjoy the gossip, and the adults who enjoy life without letting immature bullshit starters get in the way.

See... This girl named "Starla" - I don't know or care what her real name is - managed to weasle her way in with Chris one night. She had a crush on him and during a time of drama - Chris's GF chose her family over him on his birthday. I don't know anything more about the reasoning behind this but now it don't matter. So in the process of drinking his ass off and relishing in his own emotional cess pool, she managed to seduce him. Here's where you insert the OMFG EW.

I met Starla once... seen her twice... still not even close to thinking she's respectable in any sense of trash much less a good candidate for friendship from me. She is massively overweight, has the intellectual prowess of a rat and conversational value of speaking to a retard about astrophysics... and the clothing she wears... doesn't compliment her in any way possible. - Chris... ew.

When Chris had done the dirty deed - he was - is - engaged to a girl who I personally think is incredible. A great person who compliments Chris in his "I'm not goth, I'm yargibible x core" grace. Insert Elizabeth. NOT LIZ BRADDOCK EITHER! I'll get on the subject of dead ex gf's later (not physically dead but mentally and emotionally dead to me). ANYWAY -

After I first met Liz, I got the feeling or call it a vibe... that she was a great person. Someone I could trust and have a LOT of use for in the future as I would be to her. Trust me, it's come true already! ROFL.

When Chris sat in front of me at the karaoke bar we go to crying begging of me not to think lowly of him for cheating on Liz, I set it in my head that she will find out, and I think it would be better to orchistrate the coming out during a war which I had had plans for long ago which was to expose the truth of childish rumors and games which continued.

So, with that in mind let me get to the story...

The first night I went to the bar, I noticed the group which went there. Me, Cary, Chris, Liz, Jen, Momma D, and a couple others. They all seemed to be one family type of a group. Drunk assholes hitting on women in the group, chasing them down and seeing to it they understood that the women are not interested... normal trash alchoholic type bar people. (not the group - the people who frequent the bar) Surprise, surprise. Got to know everyone, and learn who they all were.

The second night, I had a death in the family which prevented me from going.

The third night I brought Lindsey. See, this is where the fun begins. The night begins normally, I have my cigars, Backwoods Berry blend, I enjoy a couple Coronas with lime and a Smirnoff Triple Black with a shot of Apple Pucker. Anyway, after sobering up, I noticed Chris was getting pissed and stressed out about something. So, after momma D went out side to talk to Chris and soothe him, I went out there to take my part in being the bigger brother and helping him deal with his issue if I could. During this time, he admits the mistake he made with Starla and begs for my advice.... I should be a fucking wiseman... he needed someone to score him some doobage to calm his nerves... needless to say, doobage is very able to be gotten lately due to the mexicans and lack of police ability to control the immigrants bringing the shit loads of drugs here...

Now, the things that start getting strange at the bar is that when Liz got there, people started saying a LOT of mean shit about her. Like her looking like Chris Farley, or just like a man. It originated from Starla or Jen.. which one I don't know, but the comment was delivered to me VIA Danielle, who I have a LOT of respect for. She had gotten a good bit of attention that night because of her being attractive and such... I ended up getting followed into the bathroom by a damn mexican asking me if she put out.. She even got harassed by two white trash people there and asked to do a threesome. Other people by this time had said shitty things about Liz so.. I made sure they shut up around me because I wasn't taking the childish bullshit

I later found out that Jen was the source of almost all negativity between the group and Liz. Jen had a shitfit when Chris unexpectadly met Liz and moved out with her despite the arrangement of him living there for 2 years. So this started the whole issue of his family not liking Liz, they blamed her for Chris's decisions and his choice to move on and away from the mindgames and bullshit presented by Jen.

Now.. Jen has always been mentally unstable. She has a history of outrages, manic episodes, depression fits, euphoric episodes followed by complete anger styled outlashing. She was a horny thing when I was with her. I only wish I had known of an AIDS scare she had shortly before my getting together with her. That would have changed a LOT, yet it would have destroyed the possiblity of being great friends with a lot of great people including Chris.

The second night convinced me she is completely unable to handle living her own life without being chemically dependant. This is after not being around her for over 4 years. That night had started normal, but with the afore mentioned issue with Chris and people shit talking Liz behind her back, and RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER, Jen wasn't there. She had gone to the Wank (Westbank of New Orleans) and gotten shitfaced there. She was forced out when one of the people she was with was too young to even be there. They then showed up at the Karoake bar we were at completley out of control and begging someone to fuck her and Cary's ex girlfriend Ashley.

As a promise I made to Momma D and Chris, despite my hatred for Jen and the shit she put me through, I would protect her. So Cary and I left the bar with them in tow. Drove them to the trailor which they live in. Along the way I had one of the worse ultimatems placed in front of me. They were in the back seat practically having sex with each other. They were trying to reach up front so they could grab on Cary and I. I could have had the #1 male fantasy played out in front of me and no one would ever know - had I convinced Cary to let me play.

So A) I could have had my fantasy happen, suffer the consequences of what would happen with Lindsey if she found out. or B) just leave them be, don't get involved.

Then the other shit would happen knowing my luck... one of them get pregnant, one of them have a disease they didn't know about, giving that to Lindsey... I'll take option B thank you.

Afterwards, I left the bar. I had had enough at that point. I heard someone I cared about getting ragged on by CHILDREN, no one defending them but me, had my friend tell me he did something really stupid and had my ex gf prove to me she will never grow up.

So... I wrote a LONG ass blog on Myspace laying out how all of those people are and what they needed to do and where they can go if they didn't grow the fuck up.

I layed out and characterized everyone involved in everything and tore new assholes into most of them, and made sure people knew where it originated from. I also had proof that Jen had started a LOT of shit and intended to cover her ass when Chris showed up at Starla's birthday party. Jen had gone around making sure everyone wonder where Liz is. That they missed her being around and she's such a sweet person... rofl. She was covering her ass since I had uncovered and practically laid Jen out to dry.

Mission accomplished. Jen got her real face exposed - the second one. Chris told Liz the truth and they actually stayed together through this shit, and hopefully the group is split up between the mature, nonshit starting and highschool symantec bullshit antics people.

2 goals complete out of 3. Not bad at all.

Anyway, my next blog will be about racism and why racists who want to create mullatos are FUCKING IDIOTS. :D



k bye

Ipods RULE

Anyway...

it's strange when the waves of depression slam into you for weeks on end, then one random day... you feel as if love for someone has been rejuvenated.

-even though she is constantly annoying me in YIM right now bitching cause I'm not talking to her...

It's strangest when you know you've been doing the wrong things like fighting and arguing... neither of us are right, or both of us are.. whatever. I can't stand when I fight with Linsdsey. I hate when anyone fights with me.

The point is that sometimes when your with someone for a long time, your meter of love goes down; but when you see them again, it gets filled back up. But it isn't her that does it. It's the things around you that bring it back. Like in my case, music.

If any of you have the time or chance, look into Blue October.

Songs like Hate Me, which is basically about looking at yourself and how you can be selfish at times. Never saying thank you or truly giving the appreciation that that person needs or deserves. But they keep giving and giving until they leave your ass behind and you never take the time to figure out what you've done wrong.

Then there's two songs which remind me of how I feel about Lindsey...

"18th Floor Balcony"

I close my eyes and I smile
Knowing that everything is alright
To the core
Close that door
Is this happening?
My breathe is on your hair
I'm unaware
That you opened the blinds and let the city in
God, you held my hand
As we stand
Taking in everything.

And I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep

But Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony...
We're both flying away.

We talked about mom's and dad's
About family's pasts
Getting to know where we came from
Our hearts were on display
For all to see
I can't believe this is happening.
I raised my hand as if to show you I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
I'm still so your for the taking
Thats when I felt the wind pick up
I grabbed the rail while choking up
These words to say and then you kissed me...
I knew from the start
So my arms are open wide
And your head is on my stomach
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep

But here we are
On this 18th floor balcony...

I knew from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep

Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony...
We're both flying away.

And I'll try to sleep
To keep you in my dreams
So I can bring you home with me
And I'll try to sleep
And when I do I'll keep you in my...dreams

I knew it from the start
My arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
We're not going to sleep
But here we are
On this 18th floor balcony...we're both..
Flying away

and

the chorus from Congratulations.. reason being, the song is about how someone he loved is now married to someone else instead of him so... I love the chorus.

My mind it kind of goes fast
I try to slow it down for you
I think i'd love to take a drive
I want to give you something
I've been wanting to give to you for years
My heart

I came to see the light in my best friend
You seemed as happy as you'd ever been

My words they don't come out right
But I'll try to say i'm happy for you
I think I'm going to take that drive
I want to give you something
I have wanted to give to you for years
My heart

So.. when words are hard to find, I've always gone to music and lyrics to find inspiration. Honestly I'm very greatful that this band has broken out of it's repeated let downs.

Before it was Staind to get me into my pissed off mood to get me motivated to do something that either I needed motivaton or blah whatever.

Metallica was always there to basically put me in a depressed and ready for anythign mood..

then there was techno. That put me into any mood I could write the songs about...

heh. oh well.. I wanted to post this.. missing lindsey sucks.

later

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