My blogs usually go everywhere... all different directions. I've been trying to have more of a focus on what the topic that's burning me up inside is.
So much has happened in the past 10 years that I can't truly say I regret much of it. My true regrets in this life has been the love I wasted on girls who wanted me to be someone else. It was always something about me that they wanted to change. My hair, my overall look on life, my temper, my emotional status... always something.
Never who I was or am. I've lived the same lie day to day because no one ever understands me for who I am. But when glimpses of who I am come through, it gets miscontrued for me being an asshole or much worse.
See my train of thought just went the other way after I finished that last sentence. I started to think of how my ex's have behaved. How they've demonized me in the eyes of both their families and our mutual friends.

I will explain. Casey J. My first true girlfriend. Lived in New Orleans East most of her life. We hung out at Fazzio's Lanes on Bullard ave every tuesday where we would play immature games based on sex. I even got asked when we were sitting in front of the bowling alley by one of the little black boys if I were "knocking them boots". Of course at that time I was entirely too naive to know what that meant. It wasn't until I was roughly 16 before anything happened. Of course she wasn't my first. But she was my first experiance of a pre lesbianistic girl. She was cheating on me with my cousin Ricky the entire 2 years we were together.
My mistake with her was believing she was faithful. First official girlfriend, first time getting cheated on. Yippy. She wanted me to be depressed so we could be depressed together. She was and still is strange.
During that time when we were apart, I was making friends with a few girls here and there. Dated a couple which led nowhere.
One girl in particular wanted to marry me after hanging out at the mall for 4 hours. Britney G. She was crazy but fun. Again, I was 15 so naive about a lot of things and not yet seasoned. She disappeared about 5 days after I saw her at the mall. Never heard from her again.
Then there was my first virgin girl. I'm now 16. She was about a year older than I was. I had met her through a girl named Rachel S. We psuedo dated for a month or so then lost contact with her only to revive our relationship after 5 months of not talking to her. Which led to riding my bike from the house in Old Metairie to Clearview where she lived. That was an interesting day. Besides Lindsey, she was one of the very few girls who bitched about something about me. But she did say I needed to grow up... but what's the point of saying that when I was younger and she was coming to me for sex? HAH
Then there was Amber L. which I was with for maybe 3 months when I had my first car. She was strange... She had lesbian tendencies with some girl who I never met... but I smelled her after she would sleep with her. Then there was Mary. At first, she was ok. Her breathe stank every time we met, I was just turning 16 when I first met her. My brother was with a girl who was a crackhead. Mary was a chalmation who believed there was nothing wrong with Chalmette. Typical mentality. She had back problems, used that to her advantage and dropped out of school, refused to go to GED classes because of it, and didn't amount to Jack Shit in her life. I wasted 4 years of my life with her.
Keep in mind when I was finally driving, I didn't dedicate my time only to her. Trust me, the rest of the list is coming.
Towards the end of our relationship, she tried to pawn a kid off on me. I did the manly thing. I stayed by her side, stopped doing everything I was doing. Worked my ass off to keep her and that kid happy, bought her everything she ever needed, stood there crying in the delivery room as that incredible feeling comes over your body as "your child" is being born. Any hatred towards her asshole sister... gone.. I did everything I could to keep everyone there happy.
I can remember the day I caught her with her boy toy in Chalmette. How she said she cheated on me at that park in the grass with him. I can remember how I trusted a guy named Greg R. to keep her occupied and entertained while I worked my ass off before the kid situation started. I can also remember getting calls from my parents about him being at the house while she was there. - This is when I was 18 btw.
I had known of three times she cheated on me. And honestly once a cheater, always a cheater. So I dropped down to dating status. Still went out and had fun until we found out she was pregnant. I still have NO idea when she said this or told me... Didn't make any damn sense. Because when she said she got pregnant, we were together once in the month of April - May time frame which her boy was born. It didn't make sense.
After he was born, I felt nothing. I firmly believe that there is a psychic link between you and your children. You feel them when they are sleeping, dreaming, running, farting. I felt nothing.
My only mistake with Mary was the time wasted. During the time we were seperated, I was going about my normal routine of meeting new girls and enjoying my life. To my dismay, I ended up with felony carnal knowledge of a juvenile. Out of everyone who knows me VERY well, you know I had no idea, and you know that it's bullshit that her ex boyfriend, Jason didn't go down LONG before me.
Anyway, after this all went down, it's now something like 2001 and my life has now been reduced to thinking that this kid's mine, visitations by a hard ass probation officer, and a yearning to kill people who did this to me.
I fucked up by believing in people who said they were friends.
After this, I stopped calling Mary, stopped acknowledging her son as mine, dropped everything in my life which held me back with no intention of letting me go.
I got a DNA test sommons like a year and a half ago. Never heard anything about it since. Good Riddance if her and her sister ended up face down in Katrina's waters. Her son deserved a better life which I wanted to give him.
Now, onto the seriously mentally fucked ex's.
Through Amber, there was Elizabeth B. When I met her, she was shy, non concerned, innocent. Her smile was beautiful. She was one of those girls which ancient Romans would buy for a farm and 40 clicks of land. Top heavy, not fat in the stomach or face, but when you got to her hips.... damn. She was beautiful to me. Her family loved me, but I'm not sure if she did.
She moved in after maybe a week of us being together. Her step father was highly verbally abusive, and me being my typical I'm here for the rescue type got her a job, and led her on the corrected path away from the horrors of her step dad. Everything was fine until we got into one argument after 9-11. She convinced herself that my mom hated her. She also read everything I had ever written. About Nicole - a girl I think was in the hospital with me... I was on so many anti depressants and other shit that I'm not sure she even existed now...
She developed split personalities to accomidate the losses I had. She developed a bunch of personalities for some reason and put on the best damn "I'm a mental fuck up" you could ever witness. Had me going too.
She then moved in with Jason L., (the girl who gave me my 4 year old title aforementioned's ex bf), who is basically top of my shitlist and avoid list.
Soon after their uniting, I believed his lies. They fixed me a cup of tea because they knew I'm big on tea. It was poisoned with Angel Trumpets. I remember dreaming that I was crying because I thought I saw her fucking him. I woke up and saw she was in fact fucking him while I was insanely sick and seeing things.
Methotical shit.
She has since had Jason's kid. Moved out of his house, did pretty much the same thing to him as she did to me, now she's living in Florida. But the thing about it all is that she was sleeping with some black dude and had his kid too. Then Katrina hit and she was shit out of luck, stranded here. She then escaped to Florida where on 12-31-05, her newborn died.
See, the loss of innocence burns at me. That leaves a yearning to scream and cry for that baby. Whether or not if it were an oreo or mixed kid. It was a child. Even though she is dead in my eyes (Elizabeth B) I pitty her loss. But karma is a bitch which likes to be served COLD.
Then there was Jen. I met Jen through Sarah. At first, she was looking like the one... I felt the right things.. I first met her brother who turned out to be the shit. Chris is the best damn guy I met besides Jason Cloud.
When I couldn't understand WTF was up Jen's ass, I would go by Chris.
You see Jen was young when we got together. I was 21, she was 17. Her parents thank god liked me a lot. So Momma D and Dad, Thank you for giving me the time with Jen.
But, after Jen faking 2 miscarriages of two kids with me, I got sick and tired of the mindgames. Both times this happened was when we were watching something important at Ricky's house. She rolled around on their carpet screaming. On the way home she said she had a miscarriage. After the shit with Liz, Mary, and every other jackass girl I was with... I should have broken it off there, poured salt on the wounds and walked away. But.. I was a glutton for my own punishment.
Jen then convinced me that I was Bi Polar. I went to a shrink who tried to push the same judgement on me. Only Bi Polar people have almost no immediate memory retention because their minds are all over the place. I quoted word for word everything the shrink had said to me.
But love was clouded and diluted somehow... and I ended up on Serequel. An AntiPSYCHOTIC medicine. If I didnt sleep 12 hours, you better back the fuck off. I was violent.
So needless to say we broke off our engagement, and I went on my merry way.
Then on the one year anniversay of 9-11, I send an instant message which changed my life. At 2:45am, on 9-12-02, I sent a message to I think Sweethrt690... She's changed it since but you get the idea, asking "how and why she tears herself apart like that"... her profile was riddled with shit about how she hates her weight... how she's been hurt. Her first words to me on that night were "Whatever". And we've been together ever since.
The next day we met in the Slav - a - center parking lot in Chalmette because it was in the middle of Metairie and Slidell.
She was dressed in an ALL purple scrub uniform. She was going to work soon and took the time to leave early to meet me. I was wearing a pair of VERY baggy jeans and a black shirt.
Even though it wasn't my style to follow the girl back to her own domain, I followed her to her friend's work where began the Parading session. The yay or nay crap that you girls do when you meet someone new. Luckily I got a YAY from everyone except the faggot friend she had which used her all of the time which I saw to it that he left town.
Then came the day where I had to meet her parents. Her dad looked like the rugged, typical "I've done it all with my bare hands" type, her mom...
immediately got the nick name "the warden".
something about that constant smoking and plastered "I'm going to kill you if you say something I don't like" face erked my nerves...
Then I met Mack. The dumbest fucking dog I've ever met. Instead of being a good gaurd dog and staring me down in cause my hands go somewhere he don't like, I was sitting on a love seat, he walked up to me with one of his toys growling at me, (picture me shitting on myself) put his toy down, turned around, backed his ass up to me and sat in my lap.
It was a scene from Marmaduke. But what's better is after his front legs got tired of supporting him, he got INTO THE CHAIR WITH ME. He rolled up as if he was a lapdog and laid down on me while I was sitting there. WTF. What a great guard dog, he'll growl at you then sit on you!
From that day on it's been kinda strange with Lindsey's family. Her mom doesn't leave any hint of melting her soul.. She always comes across as if she's going to yell at you if you don't do her bidding. But hell, Lindsey's dad taught me how to fish, how to put up siding, clean their pool, start fires legally in Slidell, and a lot more I just can't remember right now.
See.. my point of writing all of this is to show that if I don't make sense, there's always some sort of experiance behind what I'm saying. If any of you read this, you will have a different perspective on me.
I plan on marrying Lindsey. For the most simplest of reasons: She stole my heart in Chalmette's Slav a center 4 years ago.
She's been the best pillar I've ever know. She's been there for me every time something happened. She's never questioned anything about me. She's everything to me. She is my "Mi Triana" - Soul mate.
All those who I hoped were - sorry. You were the weakest link. Goodbye.
Thanks for reading..
feel free to grab some complimentary mints on the way out.