STOLEN FOR THE PEOPLE OF NEW ORLEANS
The list of the top Barbie dolls selling in New Orleans this Christmas season:
Evacuee Barbie - Comes in a suitcase with three changes of old clothes, a box of photographs, and pets.
Rooftop Barbie - Comes with an ax for chopping a hole in her roof, a flashlight to signal helicopters, and a blue tarp to patch the hole when she returns.
Red Cross Barbie - Comes with Red Cross uniform, and her own Red Cross truck capable of serving 1,000 meals per day.
FEMA Barbie - Come with laptop computer, cell phone, and plain white trailer. (Trailer not delivered until 90 days after purchase.)
Going Home Barbie - Comes with haz-mat suit, boots, gloves, respirator mask, shovel, and bin for holding recovered items.
Looter Barbie - Comes with shotgun, hundreds of gold chains, and shopping cart filled with Nike shoes, electronic, and an assortment of alcohol. (NOPD Ken, equally outfitted, can be purchased separately.)
Northshore Barbie - This princess Barbie is sold only at North Shore Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with an augmented version.
KennerBarbieSPAN - This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
Treme Barbie - This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills)...unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about.
Old MetairieBarbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbuck's cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper.
ChalmetteBarbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR T-shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mulllet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Garden District Barbie - This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available.
Westwego Barbie - This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Gretna Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
Mid-City Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Mid-City Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
MetairieBarbie - She's wearing a Banana Republic outfit and watching her soaps on TV. She has her cell phone in hand, along with her home phone and day planner. On her planner she has the dates of all her charity events listed. We don't know where Ken is because he's always fishing or hunting.
AlgiersBarbie - This Barbie comes with a stroller and an infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and a bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Plaquemines Barbie - We almost forgot her! She still has no clothes. Saving the best for last, this "down the road" doll comes with two sets of boots, both are white, accessories include a sunk trawl boat and a rat named Fred. She can give the latest beer count at any given time. you can find her at any Boat Harbor.
