Drawing, Poetry,
Movies, Films,
Etc.
The Usual Unnecessary Blah Blah Crap...
MOVIES
Kill Bill, Saw, Queen Of
The Damned, Resevoir
Dogs, The Hunger, Advent
Children, Curse Of The
Overfiend, WHAT DREAMS
MAY COME, And The List
Goes On....
BOOKS
Memoirs Of A Geisha, How To Make Love Like A Porn Star, Descartes Error, among others...
Sadly my idea of pleasure has reached dangerous levels.
ABOUT ME
It itches, it seethes, it festers
and breathes. My heroes are dead,
they died in my head. Thin out the
herd, squeeze out the pain. Something
inside me has opened up again.
-Slipknot-
I decided last year that I wasn't going
to succumb to any anxiety and let people
sway me towards negativity (even though
I inevitably have), and I'd do my best
to feel tha tothers are in the wrong,
even though I realize THERE IS NO RIGHT.
What bothers me is everyone is a
hypocrite. There's no way around
this. People go against the grain
of their fake set of beliefs every
day and fail to notice them.
Meanwhile, I watch and observe and
I'm left without a stance. There's
no way to win. There's nothing you
can do that'll satisfy anyone, and
there will always be someone with
greater logic (no matter how faulty)
that'll sway you to their side. In
other words, the key to happiness
is believe that you are right
(blindly or not).
Baring in mind that no one is right,
I subscribe to no beliefs. I have no
army. And as of recently I find
conversation, socializing, or ANYTHING
for that matter futile for the very same
reasons. The only thing that registers in
my mind is please yourself. Everyone does everything through gain, so there is no
reason why I shouldn't. However, I can't
enjoy things because they lack meaning
and purpose. I'm vapid, and now depressed.
What leads me to believe
that everyone is full of sh**?
Just take a moment and stop to
question the intention behind
someone's action. Even the most
morally self-righteous person
has some evil motives, as
everyone does.
The fact that you clash with everyday
society and lead a healthy life means
that you are not stricken with guilt
and consequently blindly unaware of
the suffering of others - you're in
your own insulated little world where
things are right and you are the center.
This is how it works. We would drive
ourselves mad (WHICH IS WHAT IS
HAPPENING TO ME) if we had to concern
ourselves with everything that's wrong.
Instead we do the next best thing and
intellectualize compassion. Everyone's
idea of right vastly differs, so we have
to calculatingly support it by facts and
statistics. Wielding bits of info, throw-
ing in abstract ideas like morality, etc.
give us the illusion of control. As humans
we find creative ways to support our agenda.
Vague and abstract things piss me off.
Peoples' failure to see their own under-
handed motives, their false belief that
there is truth (on a subjective level),
and the day-to-day bs that people feed
themselves. I notice that people
fire off things that they think are deep
(said in a certain sincere way), and
believe that things have to have happen
a certain way.
As someone with a sociopath's tendencies
who's been able to blend in by changing
my beliefs, I'm here to say that anyone
anything says is never 100% certain.
There's only people who give off an air
of sincerity and make things sound more
convincing (either by the tone in their
voice, the endless amounts of logic, or
the amount of fear aroused). As I see it,
there's no real pattern. People only think
that life unfolds in a linear fashion because
of preconceived notions. We create fake drama
and meaning.
I'm not really sure what makes someone
more liked over someone else, other than
producing more humor, being more attractive,
and saying nice things. I'm interested in
what solid traits human beings gravitate to.
Attractiveness I'm sure would be one. We're
still very much human and easily suggestible
to pretty and beautiful things by subjective
standards, and this just reiterates to me
what one-dimensional troglodytes we really
are. It seems like there's an unconscious
motive to gravitate to all things with more
worth placed on them. Yes, we actually rank
human beings. We place worth on them.
Everyone is NOT in fact equal by societal standards. The pretty and people with
extravagant displays of power (in some feat, perceived altruism, or materialistic things) usually net the most value. It won't matter
what you do or say, if you're hated you're hated. It wouldn't matter if you were right, the consensus will always overrule. No amount of convincing logic will override someone's burning conviction.
I don't attach myself to things or people
very much anymore. I approach everything
with a skeptical eye, and constantly stress
over my actions, to the point where I just
want to remove myself from the drama and
isolate myself so I can do what I wish
without repercussions. I want to be able to
do what I want at all times: the perverse,
the destructive, etc. Yet I realize I will
never be able to do such. I to this day still
truly don't know why I am the way I am and
refuse to go along with the status-quo.
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